A person I love deeply had an emotional reaction to me, at me, today.

To me, it came out of nowhere. I was doing my own thing and didn’t clock what was happening with them.

The first clue I had was an ask for privacy when I came to join them. I take that kind of request seriously, and honoured it immediately and with no questions.

It’s summertime and our windows are open. I heard them speaking to someone about being upset and I heard my name.

In this house we actively don’t listen in certain circumstances, in order to preserve a sense of privacy, autonomy, and to feel safe to express ourselves uncensored.

So I didn’t listen, and I understood that I had caused them distress. I did stuff in my room until the conversation outside was over and there was some breathing room. And then I went outside and asked if I had caused distress. And I listened, and acknowledged, and tried to be in their shoes. I apologized and I let it sit.

After a short time, I asked them for specific help in the future, so that I wouldn’t repeat the thing that caused them distress.

That was a trigger for them. They received my ask as criticism. They had a huge big emotional explosion. They said some terrible things. There was a lot of “everything/always/nothing/never” language. Then they stormed away.

I felt awful, stunned, guilty but confused. Shamed. I felt like I had been pummelled.

I decided to leave – I have a car and thought up some errands. I left as fast as I could.

After my first errand, sitting in my car in a parking lot, I texted a good friend. I told them what happened and what I was doing. They invited me to call and I did.

I sat in my car outside some store and I talked, and ugly cried, and snotted. My eyes got really puffy. I said unreasonable things and I gave zero fucks about the curious passers-by that bore temporary witness to my big reaction and release.

And eventually my reason came back and I started to feel calmer and more like myself. It took a minute or twenty, and it did settle. I got some clarity after I got some comfort and permission to say the terrible things. Then I thanked my friend and ran my other errand.

When I got back to the house, the person I left in great distress called out cheerfully that they were over it. It didn’t feel good to me. It felt gross. It felt like the twilight zone. I decided to stay away. I didn’t want to cause more upset, and wasn’t ready to talk with them about what had happened.

I didn’t eat dinner with them – instead I had a shower and stayed in my room. Eventually they knocked on my door. They apologized, and admitted that they had said the opposite of what’s true when it comes to my behaviour. I said that I believed them and thanked them for the apology, and that I wasn’t ready for the conversation.

I really wasn’t ready. I was tearful and rigid. I felt unsafe, like I wouldn’t be able to speak with clarity and empathy. I didn’t trust that they would be able to hear me. It felt like it would do more damage to both of us.

They respected my wishes, and I continued to stay away, as much as I could while sharing a home. 

I felt so raw. This went down the day before I was leaving for a 10 day trip. And I was so upset that I couldn’t sleep until late late late. I was chewing the grist of the painful stuff – the things that were said…you can’t unring a bell, you know? They said things that attacked the core of who I am, who I try hard to be. It was so hurtful. And I saw patterns in this conflict that echo back decades, patterns that damaged me. Fractures that I continue to spend a lot of time healing.

We spoke the next morning before I left. We both made good effort to be good communicators. We talked about the fallout. We agreed that the relationship would absolutely survive this conflict. We agreed to take the time apart to process what the other had said. We each committed to seeking help from outside the relationship. 

This is a longer process. The apology is the start, but isn’t the fix. And in the meantime, there’s still living in the same house, the ordinary interactions, the day to day relationship. We’ve had one conversation since I’ve been back, because I returned feeling guarded, and it was noticed. I have also hired someone who specializes in this specific type of relationship, to help me do things differently. And just the commitment to working with this person has changed how I am in the house. My brain is pointed towards change, so I’m already changing.