I demure, I laugh them off, I dismiss them. I’m embarrassed for me and for the giver. Because they are either delusional or lying.

I’m able to pretend to accept them if I make it about the giver – you know, not calling them insane, or hurting their feelings with rejection, and definitely not wanting to be rude to them.

I have friends who are really good at receiving compliments. And it’s fun to compliment them – they light up like a Christmas tree. It’s easy to compliment them because they are wonderful, and I get so much joy from their reaction.

I don’t see anything special about me and my skills. My assumption is that everyone is competent like me, knows what I know, is generous and a helper, like me. So whatever act of service I do is just normal, no big deal, certainly not deserving of any notice.

Also, in my self image, I feel like Shrek.  I struggle to get to body neutrality and can’t imagine anyone finding me attractive. I don’t enjoy pictures or my reflection. I feel resigned to a solitary life. So compliments on my appearance are out of whack with my beliefs, they feel jarring and wrong. 

I’m better when it comes to my brain and my heart. I’m quietly proud of myself in these areas, in that I have learned a whole lot and consequently changed a whole lot, for the better. I mostly like my brain and heart, and I work on accepting my sharp edges and unfinished bits.

And yeah, I’m aware that I’m not seeing myself the way others see me. I’m aware that I don’t trust anyone with my vulnerability around my busted self image. I’m aware that I’m denying myself some kindness and new perspectives. I’m aware that even while I’m dismissing the compliments I desperately want them to be true.

I’m examining great big fissures in my psyche. Because I really want to be compliment-able. I want to believe compliments when they are gifted to me. And to get there, I gotta look at the programming that created dysfunctional beliefs. The ones that say I must be resigned to a solitary life, that say I’m nothing special. That say I’m like Shrek. And then start practicing some new thoughts, intentional thoughts. Until they’re the habit. Until they are second nature.