Me and my friends have been and are navigating end of life care for family elders. It sucks.

I got my first experience early-ish. In my thirties, in another country, far away from my people. My dad died from aggressive lung cancer that metastasized throughout his body. It was two years from diagnosis to death. The hoped-for “cure” almost killed him halfway through, and after that it was palliative care until he breathed his last, in a room at a care facility in North Carolina.

I was so ill-equipped then. So afraid and panicked, so very angry and so very sad. It was like my psychic skin was flayed off. It was all too present. I was grieving for months before, for years after.

My relationship with dad was complicated and painful. He had left me so many times in my life, and then he left me permanently. And I tried so hard to be a good daughter, to help him through it, to be loving to him. Looking back, I am proud of myself – I showed up, I was useful, I was kind. I put him before me, no matter the cost. I slept in a makeshift bed in his room at the end so he wouldn’t be alone and afraid. I forgave him even though I still hurt. I was his steadfast companion in his last fight. I was brave for both of us.

And then he died and I was devastated. I was guilty for wishing he had died sooner so he didn’t suffer so much, I was guilty for wishing he was still alive for me. Guilty for all the times I was selfish or grumpy or furious or lazy. For all the wasted time. I made a torture chamber in my mind and chained myself there.

It took years to break the chains. Years.

I’m far better equipped now. And I’m not the only one who had to learn this process too early.

Now, mid-life, is when so many of us are facing this, some for the first time. How to let someone die. How to help them live well until the end. How to make peace with the imperfect nature of the relationship. How to be kind, present, loving, when your heart is breaking. How to make hard decisions. How to respect the wishes of the person who is dying. How to navigate appointments and doctors and treatments and funeral homes. How to stay hopeful in the face of death. How to fill up our psychic cups so we can keep showing up for them.

IT SUCKS. And, it’s part of life, yeah?

If you’re going through it, I am proud of you. However you are is ok. However you feel is ok. Whatever you are doing to get through it is ok. If you’re having trouble finding grace then you can have some of mine.

The hard part and the beautiful part is that this process will change, and you will change too. The hard part and the beautiful part is that you’re not alone, even though it’s so very lonely. The hard part and the beautiful part is that your grief is love.