My work is very human. I look for thought patterns that are not useful, not beneficial, and then I practice a different thought pattern, which changes what I do, and I experience a different outcome, and see if it’s better.

It’s not gaslighting or brainwashing. It’s really conscious, there’s no coercion, and there’s always a way to say that’s enough for now. It’s kind, and also very active. It’s deciding to try on a decision to see how it feels. When people talk about “the work”, this process fits. It’s being very honest about what you want, and very open about how to get there.

Let me give you an example.

A few days ago, I woke up at the crack of 1pm. I pee’d, threw my hair up, shrugged on my robe, and shuffled downstairs to get coffee.

A new person was chatting with my folks at the dining room table. I couldn’t figure out if I should know him, or if this was a neighbour, or even a professional visit. I was introduced – he’s my dad’s first year roommate. And I immediately started to feel embarrassed. I started to tell myself a story about how it was shameful to be getting up at 1pm. I even made a joke, kinda apologized for it but made it funny. He was pleasant, but I saw him check his watch and I started to feel worse. My brain was gathering evidence to support the story I was telling myself, about his judgement and my shame.

So I took myself out to the garage where I could smoke and drink coffee in privacy. I thought through the story again, including all the evidence my brain had gathered. And then I felt the feelings that came up. I just felt them. Like when you’re in the ocean, not fighting the waves, just floating with them.

And when the story was done and the feelings had ebbed, I started making a different story, with evidence to support it. I remembered that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my sleep schedule, especially in my own home. I remembered that this visit was a total surprise, not something I had slept through. I remembered that this person’s judgement of me is not my concern whatsoever. I remembered that I’m an excellent host. I remembered that my folks hadn’t had visitors in quite some time, and I decided to claim the hosting duties for our visitor.

Then I checked how I felt with the new story. And I’m telling you, it felt so much better. Instead of going through a shame spiral, I could WITH EVIDENCE feel useful, confident, competent,, and DO things that demonstrated that those feelings are based in fact – that I AM those things. Plus I’m hella fun when I embrace those things, those ways of acting. Me feeling good helps the world feel good.

Then I decided that any future thoughts related to shame would be dismissed as a brain glitch. I was pretty sure they would pop up, because the first story was really compelling and had supporting evidence. But I was making a decision to use my new take on things, so I also decided to reject the first story.

And it worked. The experience was lovely, our guest was well looked after, everyone had a good time, and I felt proud of how I showed up.

I practice this the way a keener music student practices the clarinet. I’m getting faster at recovery now – it’s way kinder and I have so much more time to do stuff I want to do.