It’s so bad that my night guard is made of space plastic – otherwise I break it. And if I don’t wear my night guard, I break my teeth.

It’s so bad that I’m always managing jaw/neck/shoulder pain. It’s like having a low-grade migraine all the time.

It has changed my eating – I avoid foods that require robust chewing, and I don’t chew gum EVER.

It’s changed my sex life.

So my dentist and I tried a bunch of different treatments. We did intra-oral massage. We did micro-TENS. And then we tried Botox, in a modified migraine injection series.

Botox temporarily paralyzes the muscles from being able to clench as hard. It’s effective for about 3 months. It’s very expensive – the drug and administration is about $2000 each time.

This is my second full treatment. My jaw pain is almost gone. All of the muscle systems that attach to the treated areas are still sore, but it’s a huge improvement.

However.

This time we did a much bigger dose. And now my smile is lopsided, even though the same amount was injected on each side. I’m noticing that I’m not smiling much because I’m self-conscious.

Add that to the heavy feeling from the injections in my forehead. It’s an effort to frown or raise my eyebrows, so my face is a lot less animated. And I’m not smiling much.

It is the same physical feeling as when I’m very depressed. When I’m depressed my face feels heavy and doesn’t move much. I rarely smile when I’m depressed.

Unsurprisingly, I am currently experiencing more depression symptoms. It’s like a chicken vs egg thing – in this case, the physicality is prompting my brain to match up depressive mindset with the lack of facial mobility.

So recovery work is necessary. Looking for thought errors, finding another possible thought, finding evidence for the new thought to be true. Being kind and gentle while doing that work. Asking for help. Remembering that this is temporary – the Botox, the crooked smile, the depressed brain. Rinse and repeat.